Resolution Day.

I sent you a holiday card. Did you get it? It was the holidays you know. The holidays. Do they have any good holidays in France? There's a new one here since you left. It's called, Resolution Day. It's the night after the day after new years eve. So the 2nd. I think McCain and Feingold got together over a glass of spiced nog for one last bipartisan hurrah before the presidential mudslinging excelerates to sign Resolution Day into effect. It's amazing. It's founded on three principles.

1)People are Inherently Bad
2)People are Inherently Lazy
3)People need to write shit down or they'll forget shit.

Since it's a new holiday the traditions aren't well documented or defined. From my understanding though, generally it involves enjoying a glass of wine and sitting down with a quill pen and parchment paper over candle light while wearing a powdered wig and a pair of bifocals (after flying a kite in an electrical storm). Then it's customary to write your new years resolutions with the exuberance and vigor of (and these are Feingold's words not mine) "...a thousand canons into the night sky!"

I got off to a slow start spending much of my first sheet of paper doodling a whale with a huge dong. The dong had gills and a hatch for a torpedo. I titled it, "Whale Dong W/ Gills & Torpedo Hatch 1". Note: It's hard to draw whale cock with a quill pen. I thought of old Ben Franklin, Benji, drawing whale genitalia over two hundred years ago. It must have been hard, no internet, nothing. I used that as my motivation for my new found resolve. I titled my resolution, "The Great Resolve of 2008: What Would Benjamin Franklin Do? (W.W.B.F.D?)"

THE GREAT RESOLVE OF 2008: WHAT WOULD BENJAMIN FRANKLIN DO?

1) Prepare and eat a Turkey once a month.
That's 12 Turkeys a year. They're really not that difficult to make and they alway signify a feast. I had a Turkey for Christmas after missing Thanksgiving Turkey due to a stomach flu, and I wondered why we deprive ourselves of this treat for most of the year. At least one of these delicious birds should be consumed a month. I think this is especially important in months like March when really nothing is going on. Maybe Birthday Turkeys, Full Moon Turkeys, Day Light Savings Turkeys, Turkey Awareness Turkeys. It doesn't matter as long as wishbones are pulled and the times are celebrated.

2) Write anonymous letters.
It's great to communicate traditionally in a classic correspondence as we've begun here. There are however people that I need to say things too without them knowing who I am. For example there is this store in the Sherman Oaks Galleria that sells a bunch of ugly shit. It's the kind of merchandise that can ruin a civilization. It's mostly bad jewelry, and stickers that declare, "My Hair Has More Attitude Than Most People" or "I'm So Sexy There Is A Support Group For My Stalkers". Someone needs to formally protest this type of commerce. I doubt one voice alone will make a difference, but I can no longer sit on the sidelines as '80s honda accord after '80s honda accord is littered with this sparkling vinyl diarrhea.

3) Call in to sports radio programs more often.
Sports Radio is to the AM dial as Tranny Prostitutes are to the Benito's Burritos on Santa Monica Blvd in Hollywood. It's where they live. It's were the magic happens. Maybe even where dreams are born? I've long been a critic of ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd and his ridiculous morning show, "The Herd with Colin Cowherd" He and his producer once argued several months ago that there hasn't been a legitimate hard rock band since Korn. I'd also like to think that I contributed to the firing of one time radio host, Roger Lodge. His sign off comments included the phrase, "Support Our Troops, Vote for Bush" Even as I write that now, years later, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. My small circle of sport radio listening friends launched a swift email campaign that received a speedy apology from his producer. The gist of it is I don't listen to sports radio to hear opinions about music or politics, I listen to hear people weigh in on whether or not Tony Romo is effected as a quarterback by dating Jessica Simpson. But then there are my Heros, Kevin Wheeler, his knowledge of everything from professional Basketball to Canadian High School Hockey is unparalleled. There's also the relatively new, Matt "Money" Smith. He's able to blend his love of Indie rock with Lakers analysis seemlessly, all while advertising for California Carpets. Vaya Con Dios Matt "Money" Smith. My favorite is Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton. He's probably number 17 on my personal heros list, just behind Mark Rothko and Duke Ellington's arranger, Billy Strayhorn. He's gone from having a daily show to being relegated to a weekend recap show, but his on air stylings are still poetic and his call to arms for the greatest amount of on air callers doesn't go unnoticed. I feel you Hacksaw. I'll call you all. Except for Kevin Wheeler. I think he's no longer on the air. RIP Wheeler.

These are my goals.